In Laws-The Ripple Effect

In-laws: The Ripple Effect

In-law jokes have been around since the days of the cave man, I’m sure. “I can’t believe your son dragged that good-for-nothing wife of his in by the hair to share that bone with us tonight. She doesn’t even dry her own hides.” But in-laws have been and continue to be some of the best blessings in my life. Until recently, I never realized the ripple effect that those we marry have on our lives. 

After Thanksgiving, I spent a week with family on vacation in the Turks and Caicos, and this realization became very acute. The occasion for the trip was my sister-in-law’s sixtieth birthday celebration. You may ask “why is this so unusual?” It is a little weird because my sister-in-law is NO LONGER married to my brother, yet she asked my husband and me to go with her on the vacation. Said sister-in-law happens to also be one my best friends and is more like a sister to me, except we don’t fight. She has been a huge part of my life since 1986. She supported me through the death of my husband and I supported her through her divorce. Valentine’s Day was a huge event with my late husband. The first one after his death, my sister-in-law drove to my house (45 minute drive) with the three kids and brought me flowers and a vase with Valentine’s Day cards. I will never forget that kindness. She raised the most amazing children on the face of the planet and always let me be involved in their lives as much as I wanted to be. No matter what happened with my brother’s relationship with her, I never stopped loving her. She is the best gift my brother ever gave me. 

When my brother married her, I liked her a lot, but I never would have imagined how much better my life would be with her as a part of it. Fast forward to me getting re-married. My sister-in-law, brother, and their kids loved my husband. The ripples keep going, adding more wonderful dimensions to life. So even though their marriage ended, we are lucky enough to be able to spend time with both of them, even if it is often separate from one another . And sometimes, they spend time together with the kids and us. My niece and nephews love my husband-something I didn’t consider when I fell in love with him, but another blessing. Ripple, ripple. 

I am the youngest of three siblings, all medical doctors. My father was a chemical engineer with an MBA. My mother has a degree in botany and a teaching degree. We are a minimum two degree family! My husband graduated from high school, and I was truly worried that my family would not accept him. I am ashamed that I didn’t give them more credit. In fact, they like him more than they do me! Ripple, ripple, ripple.

Fast forward to the next generation-my niece got married 3 years ago. Obviously, I wanted her to marry someone we all would like, but it was most important that she be happy and that he treat her well. But again, the ripples just keep going on and on. I feel like he has always been my nephew. He is a perfect fit. He makes life so easy because he is so wonderful and a joy to be around. AND, he and my husband became very close. They went on a trip together to ride the Rockies- a one week cycling trip through the Rocky mountains. More great unintended consequences of finding a wonderful partner. Ripple, ripple, ripple.

Can you fast backward????? My uncle, who would have been 90 on Christmas Eve, died last week. He was my mother’s sister’s husband. My mother is the oldest of 5 children and one of three sisters. All of the men that the sisters chose were amazing and are all gone now. All in-laws and all amazing role models. My father was a stereotypical urban child of the depression who ate mush often and had to put cardboard in his shoes when he had holes in them. He never fell into the polenta trap. You know, the fancy, foodie high brow trick where they make you think mush is something special? He swore he would never eat cornmeal mush again, no matter what it was called! During the depression, my mother’s family lived in the country and had a maid. They did not suffer the same indignities that many did. Like my father, my two uncles were also self-made men from humble beginnings. My mother and aunts all found men who were smart, kind, funny, successful, and great fathers who were all raised in very different environments than they were. The effect their choices had on our lives was very significant. Ripple, ripple, ripple. 

The effect my mother’s choice of my father had on me is obvious, but who would have expected such and impact from the choices my aunts made? My Uncle Jack died a few years ago, and before his death, he and I became quite close. He and I emailed often, sharing jokes and we discussed some serious topics, including God. I still miss him. Uncle Carl, who just passed away was a gastroenterologist and was well-respected, with such a kind heart and twinkle in his eye, and worked until he was about 80 years old. Like my aunts, these men were instrumental in forming the person I am. Ripple, ripple, ripple.

So, my point is, when choosing your spouse, think of the implications not just on your life but on that of your family. My other sage advice, even though politics and religion are important, don’t underestimate the importance of  compatibility when it comes to choosing the thermostat setting!