Celebration and Grief-Layers of Emotion

About Aunts: Aunt Jo, Aunt Erin, and Aunt Yessie

I was reading a book about the importance of aunts in the lives of famous people throughout history and it was noted that there is no known role for aunts in the animal kingdom. Groups of animals are often cared for by females of the species, but the role of aunts is indistinct from unrelated females of the herd. In humans, the story can be vastly different.

The aunt role has been poignant for me over the last several months. Not only did I lose one of my dear aunts, but I recently lost a beloved friend, who I assigned the moniker of “Other Aunt.” In addition, as I start my 6th decade on this piece of rock, I am more in touch with my most important job of aunt than ever before.

Growing up, my aunts were important in my life. My great aunt Rose was such a sweet woman and sent a birthday card every year. I did not see Aunt Rita, my father’s sister-in-law, much as a child, but I always remember hearing great things about her and know she is an amazing mother. I was fortunate to reconnect with her as an adult. The strength of her family continues to make a deep impression on me. 

My mother’s two sisters were constant, major influences in my life. Aunt Jo and Aunt Audrey were the youngest of my mother’s 4 siblings, both with huge personalities. The three Fix (my mother’s maiden name) girls were all pregnant the same year with me and my two cousins, Lisa and Stuart. Another cousin, Jana, was born one year later. We were “the girls,” even though one was not. The sisters had a lot in common, yet were quite different, and I adored them both. I was fortunate to spend a great deal of time with them over the years.

Last year, Aunt Jo died, and I was devastated. We all loved to be around her because she was so much fun. Until later in life, she was always happy, laughing, and seemed to love life. She was beautiful and looked like Doris Day, when she was younger. She and her husband traveled extensively, and lived in South Africa and Mexico, where my uncle worked for extended stints. Although for many years during my childhood they lived in Weston, Connecticut, I was fortunate to spend a great deal of time with her. I visited them for two weeks in the summer when I was thirteen (without my family) and remember so many details of that stay, including my first short haircut ever. It was also the first time I learned that a mango was actually a fruit. Where I grew up, a mango was a green pepper! Aunt Jo was opinionated, intelligent, strong and sophisticated. After her husband (my dear Uncle Jack) died and she left her home, she was very unhappy. Although I hated seeing her so miserable, I miss her terribly and will always be grateful for her influence. Her photo is framed on my nightstand and her laugh echoes in my memories. 

Aunt Audre, my mother’s other sister, is also a force of nature. I loved going to her house outside of Cincinnati when I was growing up. They had motorcycles, a pool, and air conditioning!!!! Aunt Audre is a wonderful cook and mother. She loves chocolate and hid it from us; however, we generally found the hiding places. She was always the belle of the ball and plugged into Cincinnati society. I was not really interested in that but thought it must be important and cool! As I got older, I was so worried about what she thought of me and my appearance. Over the years, the relationship has become so much better because I let the pretense go. I am fortunate that she is still in my life.

Because my aunts were so pivotal in my life and because I think my niece and nephews are the BEST people in the universe, being an aunt is my biggest privilege. I have two stepdaughters, but unlike my aunts, I had no children who lived with me, so I am even more involved in the lives of my niece and nephews than many are. I’m that aunt that goes to kindergarten graduation and tries to outdo everyone with THE birthday gift. When my niece, Andrea (the oldest), started talking she could not pronounce my name, but called me “Aunt Yessie,” and I remain that. I’m also fortunate to be an aunt to some of my friends’ children who I have known all or most of their lives.

What do aunts offer that is special?

· We are much more lenient than parents

· We give icing as a birthday gift

· We can tell our nieces and nephews about our wild years to ensure that we were once cool

· We can tell stories about our siblings from our childhood

· We make sure that our nieces and nephews know how great their parents are (if we want to keep 

seeing them)

· We can listen to things that our nieces and nephews don’t want to tell their parents and keep them secret (unless it jeopardizes their safety, of course)

· We can straddle the line between friend and family

· We will always support our nieces and nephews

In a previous blog where I discuss the ripple effect and in-laws, I write about my nephew-in-law, Kendall, who I absolutely adore. The first person in his family that my niece met was his Aunt Erin. When I found out that Kendall had an involved aunt like I am, I was over the moon. His family had to be awesome! Erin and I called each other, “Other Aunt.” She was at every event, was the life of the party, was always happy, and was one of the most thoughtful people I have ever met. Frankly, she aunt-shamed me, without trying. Until I met her, I thought I was the end all and be all of aunts. But no one “aunted” like Aunt Erin. She thought of things that I never dreamed of. She was like the concierge of aunts-she had crayons and coloring books in her car at all times. I didn’t even try to compete because I knew it was futile. And she was the kind of person who I could never be jealous of because she was all love.

This spring, Aunt Erin succumbed to a sudden illness, leaving a void that is nearly unbearable. Any congregation of family WAS Aunt Erin. With coronavirus, it may be a little easier to ignore her absence as we cannot gather. Six months ago, Aunt Erin and I became great aunts for the first time when Matthew Apollo Frazier was born. I have struggled with how we can ensure that he knows her, despite her physical absence. The only hope is if we all give him a little piece of our hearts and tell him about her, he will get a glimpse of the huge heart she had.

Aunts are a special breed, but uncles, don’t despair. I love you too and may have to write another blog devoted to you. The fact that three men, including my father, persevered with the Fix girls is a miracle in itself!

I am convinced that at least one form of heaven is the beautiful memory one leaves for those still on earth. Aunt Jo and Aunt Erin are not here for me to hug or to tell how much I love them, but I have no doubt they are truly in heaven because of the indelible mark they left on my heart.