Celebration and Grief-Layers of Emotion

Celebration and Grief

In 1992, I completed a medical toxicology fellowship. One of the faculty at my residency training program was a mentor who was a toxicologist, so I decided I wanted to do the same. I loved the idea of being good at a specific subject and I thought knowing about snakes, spiders, poisonous plants and mushrooms would just be very cool. I had no idea about the relationships I would form. I also had no idea that most of the patients would be overdoses and not as cool as I expected! But I have no regrets. It is a wonderful specialty.

Last week we had our annual meeting in Washington, DC and celebrated the 25th anniversary of the founding of the physician toxicology organization, the American College of Medical Toxicology. As a founding member and past president, I volunteered to emcee the gala dinner. I think it was the most difficult presentation of my life. I have been in front of hundreds of people and have spoken in multiple countries, but these are the heroes and rock stars of my field! Combining humor and respect into something meaningful is a tall order.

Ideas swirled in my head for over a month. They started to gel over weeks and I had some written down by the time the conference started last week. By the day of the event, I was starting to practice and refine the “show.” That morning I received an email that a dear friend and colleague who was 47 years old passed away. It was very difficult to work on a celebration while I was so devastated.

But it reminded me of seeing a grief counselor when my first husband, Michael, died. She tried to explain to me the various layers of human emotion that we have simultaneously. In the past, I was so black and white. When I woke up, I decided it was either a good day or a bad day. Then I fulfilled that prophecy for the next 24 hours. Today, I know that every day is good and bad. There are always happy and sad things around me, even if I don’t recognize them. Welcome to the human condition!

Losing my father was a poignant example of that life lesson. I was shattered to lose my favorite person, but at the same time, so grateful for the man I had as a father and for all the years I had with him. The loss, joy, and gratitude all flowed together. As I mourn the loss of my friend, I also am so grateful for having known her and for all of the wonderful relationships this career has afforded me. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, and a whole other set of support and love from my colleagues.

What I value most today are my relationships. The rest can and will come and go. I had no idea of the connections I would make when I chose my medical specialty. I am sad today but very blessed.

Dr. Kristin Engebretsen