Family

Spoiler alert-this one is serious. I’m crying while I type it. I have been having so many intense feelings about family, lately. I am sure that as one ages, that is bound to happen. My mother is 91 and I remember a time when she started needing more help that I was resentful that as the only daughter I seemed to be the go to child. But I finally realized how lucky I am. My mother recently had a minor eye surgery and I got to be the one to drive her and spend time with her. We have so much fun talking to people in these situations. We joke and laugh and ask people about their lives. They seem surprised when we do. She always says that family is all that matters. As I get older, my family becomes more dear.

It seems so trite to talk about how time flies. But I swear it was just yesterday that my brothers and I were swimming in our pond and our parents were taking care of all of our real problems. I still cannot reconcile the fact that I will never see my father again, even though he has been gone almost 12 years. It seems truly impossible that I won’t hear his voice or hold his hand again. I look at my brothers’ gray hair and can’t imagine a world without them. That bond is indescribable. How can the people who drive you so insane be the ones that you love the most and the ones that understand you the best?

A couple of months ago, I had a really bad day. I worked at the clinic near my mom’s house and didn’t finish until about 9pm. All I wanted to do was go to my mother’s house and cry on her shoulder. I felt like such a baby, but decided why not do it while I still can? So I walked in and started crying as I told her it was nothing serious, but I just wanted to cry. Of course, her first instinct, as always, was to offer me food! That explains a lot! We talked and I cried for about an hour and I went home. What a wonderful gift.

I am the youngest of my original immediate family (not sure if that is a true classification) and I have a song on my iPod by Kathy Mattea called “Whose gonna know.” I have to skip past it every time it comes on because I wail when I hear it. It is about the youngest and what happens when she is the only one left and the only one that remembers. Okay-wailing. I sometimes come up with lists to think about when I can’t go to sleep. One night I started counting the number of people who are still alive that have known me since I was born. The list is really not that long. Even cousins that are older didn’t live near me so didn’t meet me until I was 5 or 6.

Then there is the next generation. I have 3 nephews and one niece who I adore. They all have birthdays in March, April and May, so I reflect on my relationship with them during the Spring. Their birthdays are probably the best days of my life. I don’t have my own children, so I call them my “almost children.” In some ways it is probably good that I didn’t have my own because there is no way they would have been as wonderful as these four. I try to attend special events when they have them and some of the best times I have ever had have been with them. Watching their lives bloom is such an honor.

I am so grateful for my family and that we were raised to be close. I am also grateful that my husband and his family are the same way. I know that not everyone grew up that way and not everyone can be or wants to be with their families. But I do know that as the years pass, all of those little things that seemed so irritating and important aren’t anymore. I am very fortunate to also have some of the most wonderful friends in the world because my family taught me how to love. Some things are so easy for me to understand in my head, but can take a while to get to my heart. This family bond is in my heart and in my bones.

Next time, I’ll try to lighten up!